Ty Coch Thought of the Week - discuss over a pint
Any contributions gratefully received - email us now to Editor Porthdinllaen Weekly Post. Thanks to all who send "Thoughts" in. We treat them in chronological order so please do not be offended if yours does not appear for some time.
27th July 2009
If you want to be successful, you need the courage to risk failing. Doing nothing means you’ll avoid failure, but it will also mean you’ll avoid success.
20th July 2009
The best things in life aren't things.
13th July 2009
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Stub your toe and the world laughs whether you do or not
6th July 2009
The older you get, the better you realise you were
29th June 2009
I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
22nd June 2009
Every dogma has it's day
15the June 2009
I have an inferiority complex, but I don't think it's a very good one (Thanks again Geoff)
8th June 2009
If you want to test the depth of the water, don't use both feet. (Geoff)
1st June 2009
Memory is the thing you forget with.
25th May 2009
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
18th May 2009
People will believe anything if you whisper it !
11th May 2009
Do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water after the have eaten?
4th May 2009
Remember when we spent money like no tomorrow? - Well it's now tomorrow!
27th April 2009
On the other hand - you have different fingers!
20th April 2009
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive
quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret
anything that made you smile.
13th April 2009
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
6th April 2009
There are three kinds of people those who can count and those who can't.
30th March 2009
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
23rd March 2009
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back
16th March 2009
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
9th March 2009
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
2nd March 2009
If you think experts are expensive, wait until you see what amateurs cost you! ( Geoff again!)
23rd February 2009
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce ( cheers Godfrey)
16th February 2009
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
9th February 2009
Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise ( good old Geoff!)
2nd February 2009
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
The rest you have to fool some other time ( thanks to Tony Lockley)
26th January 2009
The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open (Cheers Geoff)
19th January 2009
When you're taking flak, you must be over the target ( thanks Godders)
12th January 2009
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground. ( thanks Pat, Ward 8 - hope you are soon better!)
5th January 2009
Rehab is for quitters
Happy New Year to all our readers!
29th December 2008
Whoever thinks horseshoes are luck should remember that Shergar had four of them.
22nd December 2008
Ballet dancers are always dancing round on tip toes. Why don't they just hire taller dancers?
15th December 2008
Why are there about 35 million laws just to enforce the Ten Commandments?
8th December 2008
Red meat may be bad for you but fuzzy green meat is worse.
1st December 2008
There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
24th November 2008
Removing the faults in a stagecoach may produce the perfect stagecoach but it is unlikely to produce the first motor car.
17th November 2008
A consumer is a shopper who is angry about something
10th November 2008
Better to be late in this life than early in the next! ( thanks Ray!)
3rd November 2008
Don't believe everything you think... ( Geoff )
27th October 2008
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
20th October 2008
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13th October 2008
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?.
6th October 2008
"Time" - Some of us have a lot, others have none, but the rest of us are trying to make it up. (thanks to John Jones)
29th September 2008
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
22nd September 2008
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
15th September 2008
If you tell one lie , you will need ten more to cover for that one........ (thanks Godders)
8th September 2008
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
1st September 2008
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
25th August 2008
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
18th August 2008
If you love the life you live. You will live a life of love...( from Suzanne)
11th August 2008
What disease did cured ham actually start with?
4th August 2008
Life is good, without it we'd all be dead ( another gem from Geoff)
28th July 2008
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.
21st July 2008
Why is the number 11 not called onety-one? (thanks Dave Brownhill)
14th July 2008
Is it not better to be late than "The Late" ? ( thanks John Jones)
7th July 2008
A rich person is not the one that has the most, but the one that needs the least! (Geoff)
30th June 2008
Happiness is something to love, something to do, something to give and something to hope for! ( thanks to Sue Freer)
23rd June 2008
I absolutely love deadlines. I'm fascinated with the whooshing noise they make as they rush past. ( thanks David Evans)
16th June 2008
Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature( Thanks to Greg Price)
9th June 2008
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends, they can't remember them either! ( Geoff again)
2nd June2008
A wonderful bit of poetry from our friend Pat.......
One ship drives east, and another drives west,
With the same self winds that blow,
'
Tis the set of the sails and not the gales, which tell us the way they go,Like the waves of the sea, are the ways of fate,
As long as we voyage along through life,
'Tis the set of the soul which decides the goal and not the calm or the strife"
26th May 2008
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19th May 2008
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?
12th May 2008
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage
5th May 2008
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
28th April 2008
Friendship is not a big thing, its millions of little ones( thanks Nigel)
21st April 2008
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip. (thanks Freda)
14th April 2008
Never argue with an idiot! They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience!(thanks Geoff)
7th April 2008
An "allnighter" is when you don't have to get up for a pee.(Stephen Murray)
31st March 2008
Never take life too seriously - no body gets out alive anyway (Thanks Ian)
24th March 2008
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.( thanks to Rob Saunders)
17th March 2008
Friendship is not a big thing, its millions of little ones ( thanks to Nigel Bird)
10th March 2008
The grass is always greener ----, probably because there's more manure there! (thanks to Tim Round)
3rd March 2008
You know you are getting old when your lover says " Lets go upstairs and make love " and you have to say " I can do one or the other " ( thaknks Steven Murray)
25th February 2008
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. ( thanks Rob Saunders)
18th February 2008
When we are departing from an airport we are greeted with "Terminal" - are they trying to tell us something. ( John from Croydon sent us this one)
11th February 2008
A Fine is a Tax for doing wrong, a Tax is a Fine for doing well ! (Geoff again)
4th February 2008
When it's harder to push the mower
And age is a looming disaster ,
It's not that you're fast getting slower ,
But you are getting slower faster !
(thanks to Brian Spencer)
28th January 2008
A computer is a device used to speed up and automate the production of errors!.
21st January 2008
What is an occasional table the rest of the time? (reckless Phil)
14th January 2008
It is never too late to be what you might have been
7th January 2008
31st December 2007
Faith can move mountains, A JCB does it quicker though.!
24th December 2007
17th December 2007
I always have some month left over at the end of my money ( thanks Collette)
10th December 2007
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
3rd December 2007
'No one means all they say, and yet very few say all they mean ( Geoff)
26th November 2007
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
19th November 2007
When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia! (Geoff)
12th november 2007
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
5th November 2007
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes! (thanks Geoff)
29th October 2007
3/4 of the earth's surface is covered by water and the remaining 1/4 is
covered by land. So the divine plan is clear - a man must spend 3/4 of his
allotted time fishing and 1/4 of his time working!
(from Geraint - In memory of a dear friend and
character, Tom Morris, who passed away 14th October 2007 R.I.P.)
22nd October 2007
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
15th October 2007
No matter how bad life is.... it's better than the alternative ( good one Geoff)
8th October 2007
Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician
1st October 2007
The beginning is easy, what happens next is much harder.
24th September 2007
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm!
17th September 2007
There are no mistakes, only life lessons (thanks Nathan Miller)
10th September 2007
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery! (good one Geoff)
3rd September 2007
Avoid clichés like the plague
27th August 2007 ( Bank Holiday special)
A bird in the hand - usually craps on your wrist
20th August 2007
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. (Geoff again)
13th August 2007
6th August 2007
It's better to regret the things that you have done than the things that you haven't! (Geoff again)
30th July 2007
23rd July 2007
16th July 2007
It's not whether you win or loose, its where you lay the blame.
9th July 2007
Don't put of until tomorrow what you should have done yesterday!
2nd July 2007
If you have bad luck, consider it as good luck, as it could have been worse (Rob Saunders again)
25th June 2007
Good compost and wisdom come with maturity ( another Geoff special)
18th June 2007
There is nothing bigger than the little things (thanks to Rob Saunders)
11th June 2007
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions ( Iwills)
4th June 2007
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill? ( Geoff)
27th May 2007
The future is something that comes upon you from behind your back, with the past receding away before your eyes. (thanks to Rob Saunders)
21st May 2007
14th May 2007
If God had intended us to fly away to to beautiful places with strange sounding names every summer he would not have made the Llyn Peninsular !(another from Geoff)
7th May 2007
When you reach the top of the Hill there is nowhere else to go but Down! ( thanks Geoff)
30th April 2007
The future isn’t what it used to be! (thanks to Mike Robinson)
23rd April 2007
To find the Truth ,believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see!( thanks again Geoff)
16th April 2007
9th April 2007
2nd April 2007
The future is just one damned thing after another (thanks to IWils2)
26th March 2007
When Katie Melua sings 'There are nine million bicycles in Bejing' no one disputes it, but put an notice up ' Wet Paint' and 60% of people reading it will touch it to check!
19th March 2007
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT ? ( Geoff again!)
12th March 2007
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission ? (thanks again to Geoff Lovatt)
5th March 2007
If computers are based on logic why do you have to click on start to switch off ?(thanks to Geoff Lovatt)
26th February 2007
God helps those who help themselves. Sometimes they get caught (thanks to John Chamberlain)
19th February 2007
12th February 2007
Man who walk through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok. ( Thanks to Dave Treasure)
5th February 2007
Behind every Silver Lining there's a Cloud ! (thanks to Geoff)
28th January 2007
Statistics show that people who enjoy more birthdays live longer ( thanks to John Chamberlain)
21st January 2007
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
14th January 2007
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
7th January 2007
Life is sexually transmitted
1st January 2006 - Happy New Year to all
A study of economics usually reveals that, the best time to buy anything is last year.
25th December 2006 - a merry Christmas to all our readers !!!!
In Roman times, the best-known winter festival was Saturnalia, which was popular throughout Italy. Saturnalia was a time of general relaxation, feasting, merry-making, and a cessation of formal rules. It included the making and giving of small presents (Saturnalia et Sigillaricia), including small dolls for children and candles for adults.During Saturnalia, business was postponed and even slaves feasted. There was drinking, gambling, and singing, and even public nudity. It was the "best of days," according to the poet Catullus.
Now see what you missed at Ty Coch !!!
18th December 2006
The road less travelled has fewer cars (thanks to Nate & Stacey Miller)
11th December 2006
4th December 2006
27th November 2006
Never look behind you, something may be gaining on you
20th November 2006
When everything is bad, it must be good to know the worst.
13th November 2006
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness
6th November 2006
29th October 2006
You never can truly tell when you have run out of invisible ink.
22nd October 2006
Theory and practice are the same in theory but different in practice.
15th October 2006
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible that you haven’t grasped the gravity of the situation.
8th October 2006
1st October 2006
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
25th September
As one door opens, another one slams in your face (Thanks Chris Riley)
18th September 2006
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
11th September 2006
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
4th September 2006
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
28th August 2006
21st August 2006
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
14th August 2006
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
7th August 2006
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
31st July 2006
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming
24th July 2006
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
17th July 2006
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
10th July 2006
Meditation is not what you think.
3rd July 2006
26th June 2006
Everyone complains about the weather, but no one does anything about it.
19th June 2006
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
12th June 2006
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and hate in the driver in front.
5th June 2006
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
29th May 2006
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
22nd May 2006
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
15th May 2006
A Freudian slip occurs when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
8th May 2006
A carboard box can only be recycled up to three times
1st May 2006
A healthy three-year-old consumes one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience. ( thanks again Austin Knight)
30th April 2006
Why do people say an alarm clock just "went off" when really it just went on!! (thanks to Keith Mackin)
23rd April 2006
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
17th April 2006
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
10th April 2006
Everyone brings joy to the Ty Coch, some when they enter, others when they leave.
3rd April 2006
On Thursday 4th May, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again.!!
27th March 2006
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
20th March 2006
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
13th March 2006
He who hesitates is probably right.
6th March 2006
Politicians are like bananas, they start off green, then they turn yellow, then they go bent. (thanks again to Bill Collins)
27th February 2006
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
20th February 2006
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13th February 2006
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up nearly every two hours?
6th February 2006
30th January 2006
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
23rd January 2006
Can you cry under water?
16th January 2006
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
9th January 2006
I just need enough money to tide me over until I need more. - (Thanks to Bill Hoest )
2nd January 2006 - Happy New Year !
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner
Merry Christmas to all our readers !!!
26th December 2005
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
19th December 2005
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
12th December2005
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
5th December 2005
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you are schizophrenic.
28th November 2005
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
21stNovember 2005
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.
14th November 2005
Why is there always a setting on a toaster that turns bread to charcoal? (Thanks to Will Theakston)
7th November 2005
Red meat isn't bad for you. Green meat is.
31st October 2005
Bikinis are a privilege, not a right
24th October 2005
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls
taper off.
17th October 2005
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot, laugh like an idiot and
the world understands why you're alone (thanks to Chell Howard-Greenall)
10th October 2005
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
3rd October 2005
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
26th September 2005
Beware of the meek, for they shall attempt to inherit the Earth. ( Bill Collins strikes again)
19th September 2005
Something's wrong when kids run wild and dogs are sent to obedience school. (Cheers Austin)
12th September 2005
Where is the next batch of seedless grapes going to come from? (Another of Austin's gems!)
5th September 2005
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food
29th August 2005
Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
22nd August 2005
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
15th August 2005
8th August 2005
1st August 2005
Never drive faster than your angels can fly. (This and the one below were collected by Brian Spencer who heard them on Radio 2)
25th July 2005
Optimism is a sign of a deranged mind.
18th July 2005
There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't
11th July 2005
Last month I bought some HP sauce. I only have 11 more payments
4th July 2005
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
11th July 2005
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
4th July 2005
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
27th June 2005
A good education should leave much to be desired.
20th June 2005
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
13th June 2005
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
6th June 2005
You should buy old Masters, they fetch a better price than old mistresses.
30th May 2005
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
23rd May 2005
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines ( thanks again Edward Lowcock )
16th May 2005
Being an MP is the sort of job all working class parents want for their children - clean, indoors and no heavy lifting. ( Diane Abbot MP)
9th May 2005
Turtles can breathe through their bottoms
2nd May 2005
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door..(thanks to Edward Lowcock - an up and coming young contributor!)
25th April 2005
Don't forget that people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold - but so does a hard-boiled egg. ( thanks again Bill ! )
18th April 2005
"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience......well, that comes from poor judgment." (Bill Collins)
11th April 2005
"Inside me there's a thin woman trying to get out, but I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate" (Bill Collins)
4th April 2005
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
28th March 2005
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
21st March 2005
The world is full of willing people, some willing to do the work, the rest willing to let them. (thanks to Bill Collins)
14th March 2005
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
7th March 2005
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
28th February 2005
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
21st February 2005
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
14th February 2005
"Tread carefully, for among the egg-shells are many sharpened spikes" (thanks to Bill Collins)
7th February 2005
I find nothing more depressing then optimism. (thanks again to Edward Royle)
31st January 2005
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I
realise, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
24th January 2005
Don't waste money on buying mermaids tights
17th January 2005
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming
like all the passengers on his bus.
10th January 2005
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
3rd January 2005
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Happy New Year to all our readers !
27th December 2004
When arguing with a stupid person, make sure that they are not doing the same (thanks to Bill Collins)
20th December 2004
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
13th December 2004
3.14 isn't actually the value of pie. The value of pie is actually dependent on the filling where generally, steak and kidney is more expensive than cherry bakewell.
6th December 2004
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
29th November 2004
Men can read smaller print than women can; women
can hear better.
22nd November 2004
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. You can buy all three in the Ty Coch !
15th November 2004
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
8th November 2004
It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
1st November 2004
Pessimism is a word used by optimists to describe people who see the world as it truly is (Thanks again for this and the one below to Edward Royle)
25th October 2004
You start off life with an empty bag of experience and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the experience bag before the luck runs out.
18th October 2004
Politicians and nappies have one thing in
common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
11th October 2004
An optimist thinks this is the best possible
world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
4th October 2004
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
27th September 2004
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
20th September 2004
13th September 2004
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
6th September 2004
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat
30th August 2004
23rd August 2004
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment
16th August 2004
If a working mans hours are reduced anymore he will meet himself going home on the way to work (thanks to Steven Murray)
9th August 2004
You must accept that some days you are the pigeon, other days you are the statue. (thanks to Vicki Kershaw)
2nd August 2004 - As a mark of respect to Cliff, there is no thought for the week this week.
26th July 2004
My mother said " If rape is inevitable - lie back and enjoy it"
Question :I wonder who my father is? ( thanks to Steven Murray)
19th July 2004
If they can’t identify a body, after an accident, by the face then they use the dental records … but if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is!” (thanks to Andrew Wheal)
12th July 2004
Why do they sterilize a lethal injection ? ( thanks to Andrew Wheal)
5th July 2004
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks (thanks to Edward Royle)
28th June 2004
If the answers wrong change the question (Thanks to Edward Royle)
21st June 2004
I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.( Thanks to Andrew Wheal)
14th June 2004
When I read about the evils of drinking… I gave up reading (thanks to Andrew Wheal)
7th June 2004
I can resist everything except temptation (thanks to Andrew Wheal)
31st May
I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong ( thanks to Edward Royle)
24th May
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
17th May
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom
10th May
Bigamy is having one wife too many, monogamy is the same - Oscar Wilde
3rd May
Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die ( thanks to Edward Royle)
26th April
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
19th April
If all is not lost, where is it?
12th April
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
5th April
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
29th March
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
22nd March
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
15th March
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons
8th March
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
1st March
My computer beat me at chess but I won when it came to kick boxing.
23rd February
A closed mouth gathers no foot
16th February
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
9th February
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
2nd February
The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
26th January
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
19th January
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
12th January
The journey of a thousand miles begins with broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
5th January 2004
A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
Happy New Year to all our readers !!!
29th December
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
22nd December
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
15th December
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
8th December
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
1st December
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
24th November
If you think talk is cheap, ask a lawyer ( Thanks to Niel Daniels )
17th November
Over 75% of you who read the thought for 10th November will have tried to lick their own elbow !
10th November
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3rd November
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25th October
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
19th October
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
12th October
If you can smile when things go wrong, you already know who you are going to blame
5th October
In just two days, tomorrow will be
yesterday.
29th September
If you were to take all the paperclips in the world that have ever been produced and lay them end to end, you'd have an idea how bored I am with my job.
22nd September
Why is there a light in my fridge but not in my freezer ?
15th September
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you do criticize him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
8th September
The pessimist complains about the wind
The optimist expects it to change
The REALIST adjusts the sails. (very philosophical ! by William Arthur Ward)
1st September
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.
25th August
No one is listening until you fart.
18th August
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
10th August
Bats always turn left when flying out of their underground caves. ( thanks to Simon Theakston)
3rd August
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes
28th July
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
21st July
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 Now there's a thing !
14th July
Why is it, that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
7th July
Everyday, I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days that I've stayed alive.
30th June
Why is abbreviation such a long word ? ( thanks to Mike Robinson)
23rd June
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
16th June
Overheard in the bar - "I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just
from standing up fast."
9th June
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.
2nd June
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques
26th May
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
they do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic' ?
19th May
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
12th May
A snail can sleep for three years.
5th May
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
28th April
A day without sunshine is like night.
21st April
Love is grand, divorce is a hundred
grand.
14th April
If you are drinking to forget, - please pay in advance.
7th April
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
1st April
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
31st March
Walt Disney was afraid of mice !
24th March
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
17th March
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10th March
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
3rd March
Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no beak
24th February
Most men prefer beauty to brains because most men can see better than they can think
17th February
You should never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
10th February
After the first design failed what did the man who invented the drawing board go back to ?
3rd February
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digit 55378008 into
a calculator.
27th January
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
20th January
Two aerials fall in love and get married. The ceremony was a disaster but the reception was brilliant
13th January
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme... They sent me Diana Ross.
6th January 2003 ( Happy New Year to all our readers !)
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
30th December
At the end of every teenage party, there is always a girl crying
23rd December
They aren't really fixing the streets just moving the holes around so motorists can't memorise them
16th December
The Eiffel Tower increases in weight by 52 tons when it is repainted every 7 years!
9th December
A .44 magnum beats 4 aces
2nd December
What was the best thing before sliced bread ?
25th November
Amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
18th November
If a flea was
the size of a human it could kick your arse severely.
11th November
There's more fibre in a single bowl of
Kellogg's All Bran than there is 10 000km of fibre-optic cable
4th November
If you didn't have a thumb the bottom of your butty would fall off
28th October
Dolphins and humans are the only animals that have sex for pleasure.
21st October
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence
14th October
If a crab is in a basket it will climb out but if there is 3 crabs in the basket the other 2 will pull the crab back
in
7th October
The human small intestine if straightened out and measured with a ruler would no longer work properly.
30th September
Walls have ears - I found one in my ice-cream!
23rd September
Life is just nature's way of keeping meat fresh.
16th September
A 'chicken tarka' curry is similar to a 'chicken tikka' only 'otter.
9th September
A bad day fishing is better than a good day working
2nd September
I
f you had X-Ray vision and closed your eyes could you still see? ( thanks Carly)26th August
The best bilge pump is a frightened man with a bucket
19th August
The internet is often referred to as the 'WEB' as it was originally conceived by the Welsh Electricity Board. The internet that we know now is based on their initial idea of connecting all of the computers in Wales with a tiny thread along which spiders would carry messages.
12th August
Never play cards with anyone with whose middle name is 'The'.
5th August
Never stand in the manhole if you are rodding a blocked drain. ( R.Howard, Porthdinllaen 2002)
29th July
I
f you laid all Cliff Richard's records end to end, nobody would give a . . . (thanks to JAF whoever you are - editor)22nd July
Life is like a simile...
15th July
Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be
8th July
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the Spaniards.
30th June (World Cup Special)
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
23rd June
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
17th June
There's a patch of very vivid green fur on the bottom of my coffee mug, which may well turn out to be a cure for cancer. Or maybe a cause of sickness and diarrhoea.
10th June
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder...
3rd June
If one synchronised swimmer drowns do the rest follow?
27th May
If you flattened out Wales it would be bigger than England.
20th May
The human small intestine if straightened out and measured with a ruler would no longer work properly
13th May
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.- The Russians used a pencil !
6th May
A girl walked into a cocktail bar and asked for a double entendre so the Barman gave her one.
29th April
"A Man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams"- (John Barrymore)
22nd April
The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them. (J.Roebuck)
15th April
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the the Exon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80 000. Two of the most expensive animals were reintroduced to the wild at a special ceremony. With in 2 minutes they were both eaten by a killer whale.
8th April
If everyone in China were to jump up and down at the same instant the resulting Tsunami ( tidal wave) would drown the
entire western Seaboard of the USA. - Please don't give
anyone in Anglesey any ideas !
1st April
The biggest boat in the world is a super tanker containing 90 million gallons of fuel, enough to drive a car on 10
round trips to the sun and enough left over to fly a 747 around the equator 20 times. Its propeller is 30ft in diameter,
it has a 3 mile turning circle and takes 5 miles to stop from full speed, 16 knots. I hope they don't try calling in for
a pint.
25th March
If you water your lawn with lager, it will come up half cut
18th March 2002
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity they can train Americans to
stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
11th March 2002
A good cure for sea sickness ...... Sit under a tree ! ( in memory of Spike Milligan)
4th March 2002
A shark will only attack you when you're wet.
25th February 2002
We think it's amazing that salmon travel thousands of miles each year to mate in the same place. However, each
year 1.5 million people from the UK go to Spain for the same reason.....!
18th February 2002
A little something for all women out there: if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
11th February 2002
If all the cars in the U.K. were put end to end, it would probably be a typical bank holiday
4th February 2002
"Sometimes life seems like a dog sled, if you are not the lead dog the view never changes".
28 January 2002
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going
to those places.”
21 January 2002
Wouldn't the sentence, "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and
And and And and Chips in my Fish and Chips sign" have been clearer if
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?